By Heather Skipworth Craven
We already know that to say a teacher JUST teaches is likened to saying that a mother JUST changes diapers or a kid JUST likes to watch PBS. We, as educators, ie - surrogate mothers, police officers, counselors, social workers - know the truth. As if it wasn't already enough to take on the awesome responsibility of educating a child, our job descriptions seemingly grow by the minute. We are also asked to play the role of peacemaker, negotiator, and diplomat. We are very often thrown into situations that would make even the most seasoned diplomatic veterans stand up and take notice.
I have been fortunate, as is the case with most of us I dare say, to have been predominantly blessed with student's parents who were cooperative and supportive. Or, because of the fact that I taught predominantly poverty level students with severe emotional and behavior issues, these parents were either virtually nonexistent or I believe probably just relieved to have their troublesome child in someone else's charge for a while. But all it takes is one or two difficult parents to make the positive ones seem like a distance memory. It can make our job a veritable nightmare. This also applies to working with an aide who perhaps does anything BUT aide, and in many instances is yet another challenge to deal with.
Many difficult parents seem to be as needy as their child….the old "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" school of thought. Sometimes parents need a sounding board or a scapegoat. After all, we are dealing with their most precious resource, a reflection of themselves. Often parents react the way they do because their own school experience was less than ideal, or perhaps a particular teacher made a negative mark on their lives, hence ALL teachers become a focus of distrust and foster defensiveness.
The following is taken from a conflict resolution program that I used many years with my own students. But the basic premises can be used in dealing with difficult parents and/or aides.
How to Solve Problems - Second Step Program - Youth Violence Prevention Program - a program designed to teach children to resolve conflicts using non-violent solutions.
- Identify the problem
Each person says:
- what happened/incident or concern
- how I feel
- what I need
Restate the problem giving both points of view
- Brainstorm solutions-in this phase it is crucial to glean from the parent of aide what they would like to see happen. Giving them the opportunity to offer suggestions and alternatives first often breaks down their defenses and gives them a measure of control. Be sure though to state your own input, solutions and convictions with confidence.
- Evaluate each solution
Ask:
- Is it reasonable and safe?
- How will it make people feel?
- Is it fair?
- Will it work?
- Choose a solution and use it
- Set up a plan to document progress...is it working?
Change to another solution if you need to.
Read our tip entitled
"Dealing with Difficult Parents".
